Hey there neophytes and neopets, I’ve got some news for you today! No, it isn’t that I told your mom about that Jessica Alba avatar you whipped up in Second Life to, um, experiment with. That was a month ago, and I already apologized. Today, sources from deep within the Googleplex have given me the scoop on their upcoming OS. I wanted to share some of the juicy details.

They made me swear on a stack of Bibles, and the first three seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation that I wouldn’t reveal what could be the most important wave to break on the internet’s shore since I got my IP unblocked from Digg.

What is it, you might ask? What could be so important that I had to be taken into the herto unknown Section C research labs. The same labs where Google scientists are currently hard at work designing the neural networks for gCar, gHouse, and gClone their open source Cloning toolkit. What can be so groundbreaking that after a full cavity search, a retinal scan, two skin samples and a FBI background search I still had to wait in line while the Oracle of Brin was contacted for Level A access.

Well, hold onto your girdles and finish off the taco salad. Put the children to bed, get out the reading glasses, and pray that your power doesn’t go out before before you scroll to the end of the page. Prepare yourself because if you don’t, you may not survive.

Are you ready?

…Are you sure…

Stop reading right this instant.

Nope, it’s too late.

Google’s OS will…Support the latest Java Virtual Machine. Well, maybe. They aren’t really all that sure but we’re pretty certain it will use Java. At least that’s what the brochure they gave me at the door said… Yea, that was a lie, I didn’t get a brochure. Not even a friggin brochure! Google, why won’t you even give me a brochure!

[Eli will be taking a few days off, the nurses say that he is just over-worked. Pray for his speedy recovery --editor]