Today, Facebook has decided to expand upon its messaging offering, finally allowing users to send messages to outside email address’. To expand upon this new release, we have managed to secure an interview with the only person who could really understand this move — Dereck Carmikal, CEO of Lucky Seven Casinos in Barbados.

Tech Spoofs: Hey Dereck, nice of you to show up tonight.

Dereck: Eh, if you’ve got the scratch — I’ve got the time.

Tech Spoofs: So Dereck, what do you think of Facebook expanding its messaging service?

Dereck: The way I see it, they are right on track to really put the squeeze on them folks over at Google. It’s like this, you let peeople start emailing then they dun even realize that they’ve been on the site for like, a week straight. You know, it’s all about keeping dem in the door.

Tech Spoofs: “keeping dem in the door” can you elaborate?

Dereck: Elabor…who? Oh, explain! Yea, sure. You see, whenever someone walks into one of my Casinos I always make sure I get a couple drinks in em. Then I start em off easy like, introducing em to the slots. The thing of it is, I ain’t got no windows or clocks anywhere in the entire building. They’ll be sticking quarters into that thing for like eight hours before they realize what time it is.

Tech Spoofs: I see…

Dereck: Yea, yea. Facebook, they are jus’ like that. You’ll be sitting there poking people and uploading pictures and all that, and next thing you know your landlords coming around looking for the rent check — if you know what I mean. Now that you don’t even need to sign off to check your email, hell, I couldn’t buy a scam like that.

Tech Spoofs: Wait, you think this is some kind of scam on the part of Facebook?

Dereck: Wait, you mean it ain’t? I mean, all you do at the site is give em all your information. If I asked the people in my place to fill out a survey with everything I wanted from em, I would have to pay them a fortune. I dun no how Mark covers his expenses — must have some real toughs getting folks to cooperate, right?

Tech Spoofs: No, people actually put the information on the site willingly.

Dereck: You’ve got to be kidding me, those folks must be retar…

After this point, the interview kind of devolved into incoherent cursing. We were going to provide you with the extended transcript, but right around this time a craps table opened up and we had to go earn enough money back to get a plane ticket back to the U.S.