Three Blind Managers

Published by Tech Spoofs | Filed under Technology Is Serious Business

Three blind managers. Three blind managers.
See how they run. See how they run.
They all ran after our virtual life
It cut off their talks with debugging strife.
Did you ever see such a sight in your life
As three blind managers?

Hate Mail

Published by Tech Spoofs | Filed under Valleywagging

Dear Techspoofs,

Where are you guys?

What, you can’t manage to put together a single post in a month? I know it’s really hard to find an ironic picture, throw in a few juvenile quips and call it tech news, but I imagined that considering how much they paid you, you’d find a way to manage the strain.

I don’t even know why I read this blog. Even when you are writing, I have this feeling that you are making most of this stuff up. I mean, either that or you’re all complete idiots. Honestly, do you guys even have editors? Fact-checkers? Anything?

Listen, let me give you some help. A little advice from me to you. Give up. While you’re at it, why don’t you all just die? If you screw up something as simple as a tech blog, I really don’t want you sharing the same air with me.

Thanks for nothing.

XOXO,

Sally Parker

[We were going to reply to Sally, but we thought it would solve everyone’s problem if we just posted this. We’re pretty sure that Sally is one of the Intern’s sisters, probably mad about that thing in Nigeria. So people, right? Either way, we’re back from Cancun and ready for brand new year of webcapades.]

Photo Credit

Highways Of The Future

Published by Tech Spoofs | Filed under Technology Is Serious Business

We believe in the future.

So much so that as our gift to the silver jump suit wearing, atomic powered, completely blind motorists of the future, Techspoofs will be donating an undisclosed sum to the Foundation For Color Coding Our Nation’s Highways. Watch this short film and join in the revolution.

Gawker Media Exposed For What It Is

Published by Tech Spoofs | Filed under Misquoted

A message from recently fired Vimeo Co-founder Jakob Lodwick. Signed with love to Gawker Media’s Nick Denton,

“Gawker’s premise is ‘people are badass‘. It acts as if all humans are inherently amazing. Any achievement is framed on their walls; a dedication to the achiever’s underlying determination. This worldview is directly inline with our city’s best and brightest. Nick, don’t worry, it will be easy to recruit someone better than Emily and Choire; as the months march on, the pool of creative youngsters who are willing to turn themselves into professional artists will grow. If you would like to ratify Gawker’s premise and turn it into something even greater, we should talk. A publication that celebrates excellence like your own could be a big hit in the near future.”

We love our copy editors… Mr. Denton, don’t read too much into this. It doesn’t mean that we like you, like you. It was just too easy for our lazy writing staff to pass up. Special thanks to Jason for being on top of this.

Photo Credit

Creative Commons Is Confusing

Published by Tech Spoofs | Filed under Technology Is Serious Business

It’s now official. There is now absolutely nothing about blogging that doesn’t seriously disturb us.

While trolling Flickr for Creative Commons imagery to misappropriate in the name of satire we came across this. This is exactly what our nightmares look like. Shannon, the office shrink, says that it might have something to do with all the Dick Tracy we watched when we were younger. That would also explain why we constantly refer to ourselves in the third person. But Shannon says that’s probably just the drinking…

We’re pretty sure there was originally a point to this, but our editors tell us you folks don’t really care anyway.

(They don’t but just in case … LOLCats Facebook Fake Steve Jobs Kindle! -ed)

Photo Credit

Brainstorming Facebook Article Titles

Published by Tech Spoofs | Filed under Shameless Attack Piece

Here is a list of the titles for Facebook Articles that we hope to use in the next couple of weeks. The posts are already written, we just need help from the punditry to fill in the sound bytes.

We had some more, but those were mostly stuffed with keywords like Anne Hudgens. The SEO guys in the other department say those are real winners. If you have any other suggestions, leave them here.

5. Beacon Destroys Our Sense Of Childlike Wonder

4. Marky Mark And The BUSTED Bunch: A Full Analysis Of The ConnectU Trial

3. And Here We Thought Privacy Was Sooooo 1994…

2. Turning On Facebook, The New Turning On Google?

1. We’re Writing This Post Because Saying “Facebook” Gets You Pageviews

Scott Beale / Laughing Squid - Photo Credit

It Depends On Your Definition Of “Opt-In”

Published by Tech Spoofs | Filed under The Truth Is Out There

With all the hubbub over Facebook Beacon, we thought it was time to finally release our hard hitting coverage of the event from the 6th. Our Interns mostly slept through the conference, but in hindsight a few of the notes that they took were pretty telling. For example, this one between Mark Zuckerberg and a Coke advertising executive that was in attendance.

Coke Advertising Executive: …So Mark, it seems likely that the public will be less than happy with a system that allows you to see what they are purchasing and broadcast it to their friends.

Mark Zuckerberg: Public? Oh yea, them. Yea, they might be pissed.

Coke Advertising Executive: And I assume that you have thought this through, correct? That people won’t want to be broad-sided by this like they were by News Feeds.

Mark Zuckerberg: Yea, our Facebot Turing Oracle says that about 67% will have negative feelings about it.

Coke Advertising Executive: Turing…Oracle?

Mark Zuckerberg: Nevermind that. What are you getting at?

Coke Advertising Executive: Well, we would feel a lot more comfortable if the system was Opt-In. You can guarantee that you won’t be running off with user information without telling them, right?

Mark Zuckerberg: Users? Damn, yea them. Yea, sure. Opt-In all the way. We’re all over that.

Coke Advertising Executive: Alright Mark. I am sure you have things under control.

Twenty minutes and three hidden recording devices later in the Facebot Artificial Intelligence Research lab . . .

Matt Hicks: Mark man, you know Beacon isn’t Opt-In . . .

Mark Zuckerberg: You don’t get anything about business do you Matt?

Matt: What do you mean?

Mark: Opt-In means that we let them Opt-Out. Who the hell do you think would actually Opt-In to this crap. Even I think it’s pretty creepy.

Matt: OK Mark, but do you think the public is going to see it that way?

Mark: Public?

Matt: Nevermind…

[Our Intern couldn’t pick up anymore information as his presence in the lab had been predicted hours before by Facebot. He was quickly apprehended and is currently being held by Facebook. A prisoner exchange is in the works. ]

A Letter To Our Legal Department

Published by Tech Spoofs | Filed under Sometimes Our Editor Scares Us

I hate to break down the 4th wall and talk directly too you but I have to get something off my chest. You know, the guys over in Legal are always getting on my case about publishing things that — every once in a while — might not contain as much truth as they do say lies. They’re always moaning about Libel this and Journalistic Integrity that, and I’m just like, “are you guys new?”

Blogging is about making things up! That’s why we’re here folks. Look at Valleywag or say anything on Techmeme. Sometimes I’m not sure whether I’m reading a Valley gossip message board or some kind of San Francisco fan fiction site. It’s great.

When was that last time you saw a blogger lower himself to “journalistic standards?” If we wasted time doing that, we’d never get our 17 daily news bytes published — then we might as well just be the New York Times.

That’s not to say that we don’t try, it’s just that — well, rumors are rent-to-own, hype is cheap, and in our case lies are free. Simple economics people. Our entire budget goes towards company “retreats” in Vegas and promotional teeshirts for the Interns, so we can’t waste precious resources on hiring a fact checker.

So to our lawyers, welcome to the Interwebs. Now you know why we pay you so much.

Photo Credit

Amazon’s Kindle, Almost Like The iPhone

Published by Tech Spoofs | Filed under Eli Sandavol's Product Pit

Hey cats and kittens, I just wanted to tell you about this little wonder of technology that I just got my hot little hands on. They’re calling it a Kindle and let me tell you, I haven’t seen this sort of earth shattering technology since I “bumped into” that Girl Scout to get the last copy of Man Hunt 2 from Gamestop.

Down to the review. First thing I noticed was that it wasn’t an iPhone, and I still didn’t hate it. I was thinking, “Eli, you must be slipping dude.” But when I saw all that hot, hot Kindle action I just couldn’t help myself.

You know my biggest problem with books? They take up all that space!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tripped over that copy of War and Peace I have propping up my computer desk. With Kindle, you never have to deal with paper again. Who needs the simple joys of paging through a well worn novel when you have digital ink to keep you company! Technology baby, yea!

That’s not even the half of it though. You know the best part of the entire thing? It really cheeses off the Bookerati. You know, those “book shelf” people, who are always piling up all their old books on shelves to show you how much more “couth” they are than you. Well la de da to you Mr. Pulitzer Prize winner. When The Bezz (Jeff doesn’t like when you call him that Eli -ed) comes by with his Book Burning Mobiles ™ next month, I’m going to be the one laughing my way all the way to the bank with my Amazon issued, promotional Kindle in hand.

Sure it’s $400, the Internet is pretty much useless and you can’t really read the thing in dim light but who can put a price on watching some Librarian types cry over their burning copies of Jane Austen? Bezz, you’ve got yourself a winner here.

The Complete And Comprehensive Guide To Blogging

Published by Tech Spoofs | Filed under As The Blogsphere Turns, In Brief

Community CEO, Blogging Consultant and all around fun guy Jason Calacanis has managed to sum up the blogosphere in one sentence. This one is for the record books folks,

“Oh yeah… if you’re gonna beat me up remember to at least give me one link that’s not internal! like this one…”

There it is folks, why we’re all here.

[We would prefer if the anchor text for links to this post included the words “SEO”, “Make Money Online” and “Tori Amos” we just can’t get enough of her. Photo Credit]